Never Forgotten

For all that I had
For all that I have now lost
For the joy of you in my life
For the lessons your life has taught me
I will remember you


NEVER FORGOTTEN.

David James Jones, I miss you so much Dada, I miss your smile and your laugh and have so many beautiful memories of you. You where a good Dad, an honest and loving Dad. Miss you so very much.You taught me endurance, protection,defence and to believe in myself. Your creativity, your art, your love for us was limitless. I miss you more each year as it passes and think of you often.


David Carlton Jones, my baby Bro'. Oh Sunshine I do miss you. There are still idiots out there Bro, still carping about 'our' relationship. Idiots with no understanding 'we are blood' end of :) I will find the forest sweetheart promise...when I do then I will bring you home. I still have that letter , still have your art and your music. The heart of you is in the sounds you loved. I miss you so very much, but I am keeping to the dream bro...we'll get there eventually.


Aunt Sal,my little Auntie Sal. With your size 3 feet and the most beautiful smile. I am so touched by what was revealed to me when you had left us. I am glad your with Dad now and Grandma. I will miss you more as time goes by but keep those knees warm eh :). I hope your with Aunt Bertha and Uncle Jim, they where always so sweet. Never forgotten , remembered with love.The sweetest and most gentle of my relatives.


Great Grandma Fisher, my tiny Gran. I was too young to understand how and why you left us. Okay you where 98 years old but so full of beans Grandma, I adored you but at 11 years old my first wailing cry was that you couldn't die before my birthday...makes me smile at my young self and all that selfishness at that age. I loved the way you would look over your glasses at me....Mum does the same thing now. I can still see your face in my minds eye. I am pleased by that memory so much. Thank you Grandma, for being just who you where.Your life was a total inspiration, from your working life right through to the old Archbishop calling you a great lady...you where, you still are in my heart.


Grandad Morrison, Polish your head for sixpence Grandad ? hee hee. Miss you so much Grandad you where a gentleman. I have good thoughts of you in my mind.

Uncle Phil,you 'bugger!' what you doing eh? still trying to escape ? even heaven ? haha , oh Uncle Phil I know so much more about you now, I wish we could have talked more, your stories always did fill me with delight. Love you, you divil. I was amazed when I discovered how much you had been decorated in the war, you had us all in stitches time and again...but you never spoke of the dark things you survived. I know your son is with you now Uncle Phil. May you have found your peace now my dear man.

Aunt Freda. I know you are happy now Aunty Fre. Your with your beloved and that's truly all you really wanted I know. I know you can see the truth too...so I hope you can chat to your granddaughter and heal the wounds.

Aunt Peggy, You where the first person I ever knew and loved to die. I know your with Alf now and I understand how painful your life was but I still remember my honey butty :) Your daughter is one of the most truly beautiful women I have ever met. As beautiful inside as she is outside. I love her very much and her family.I am so grateful to you, you inspired me to cope with so much. I never heard a moments whining from you, wheelchair or not, you carried on and smiled.

Uncle John.sorry Uncle John but you really did remind me of Arthur Askey...except you where a gentleman to the core, very much like Grandad. I remember the one armed sofa with gleeful mischief...you certainly had a sense of humour.

Aunt Peg, well I finally met you and Aunt Clara and Aunt Joan. Dads little sisters. I still remember each of you and Valerie. All gone on but each of you told me of Dad as a child, you gave me insight to the complexity and the loving heart of my Dad. Good thoughts and pleasant memories. I can see you all in my minds eye, you always held Dad in good thought and I love that you loved him so. I know when you all finally got to see Grandma again you would have rejoiced , I am pleased for you all.

Grandma Jones I never met you. I know you where a Book Binder and very poorly, I know Grandad was not an ideal man but I also know you loved and loved with all your heart. I revere your memory and your lineage. One day I will go back to Tryffannon and find my roots I promise.

I remember Grandad Jones, I remember you old man, I remember and one day we will meet again...I look forwards to it, I hope you have found forgiveness and understanding. I hope Grandma has forgiven you old man. I have yet to do so. It is a difficult journey but I will keep trying. You taught me a thing or two just by being who you where, but I remember .We will meet one day, we have things to sort out between us. As to you Uncle Billy, you there old man ? whatever went on between you all is over now, I hope you and Dad found your peace and I hope you can find forgiveness to Grandad for his ways.

There are other things crowding into my mind now, thoughts and memories, hopes and dreams, fears and hurts all jumbled together.

You where my family, I loved each of you with all my heart. As a child you cared for me, defended me, loved me unconditionally. As an adult you where my inspiration, my guides and my true friends. We have suffered much between us yet the joys of you in my life is worth the pain I feel of your loss for without you I would have been so much the poorer.


If I could bring you all home to me again I would do so. Many of us miss each and every one of you for so many reasons, mostly the simple fact we loved you. Yet we cannot bring you home to us except in memory.

I remember my cousin, only a babe in arms burned to death in a caravan fire and her sister killed in a road accident. Your parents loved you and where affected by your loss in their lives so deeply. I can imagine no pain worse than being forcibly held back from going to try and rescue an infant and having to watch with and listen with horror to their death. My heart goes to your parents and to you for such a cruel demise.The pain spread across us all. I missed knowing either of you and yet feel that connection and have love for you all.

I remember Claire who at 7 years of age crossed the road without looking and died instantly. Your death affected all of my family from the smallest child to us, the parents. Rest in peace love.

I remember Roger dying sandwiched between the bodies of his parents as they tried to protect him from the raging inferno of an aeroplane crashed on the runway. David in particular was deeply affected by the death of his friend. Found together you are in spirit together.

I remember little Emma, dying in a smoke filled room, just four years old. I remember your smile my little friend.I feel privileged to have known you, to have seen you the night before you left us. keep dancing my little ballerina, keep dancing and smiling that beautiful smile.

I remember Jackie , just seventeen and lost so easily,your loss in our lives touched us deeply. I will always remember you dancing, your lovely eyes lit up with laughter. Goth and proud of it.We shared our pain my little friend, John and John crying for so long, Joanne still hurting for your loss. We smile at your memory my dear girl.

I remember Jeff (Geoff) such a loving heart who made a sacrifice few would understand but I remember you with pride my friend.Your parents where devastated, your sisters so devoted, so hurt. The poem they wrote for you is still with me. I love your picture. I think of you often. I haven't forgotten what you asked of me love, if i can, I will do what you asked.

I remember Lynne my friend and guide when I began Nursing all those years ago and later a true friend as a young mother...how tragic the loss of you is, how sad and how I do regret having lost touch with you my dear girl. I will always remember 'that' frock and our night at Wigan Casino...thank you for that friendship, those kind and honest words.

I remember Jan so bright, so bubbly, always living at breakneck speed, always so vibrant. I miss your smile, I miss your humour.At least you left us memorably Jan, but it was a shock to lose you in our world.

I remember my cousin Jack who has lost his lovely wife and both of his sons in tragedy and who has now, after many years found happiness once again. Though I never met your lost family I pay my respect to your loss and your new found joy. She can never take the place of those who have gone before us, but she can and does ease the pain and the loneliness with her loving heart.


There are those I remember such as Sue, a lovely lass, my school friend, gone in the blink of an eye with still so much to give. How extraordinary that we met forty years after school and had such a lovely afternoon together, gone within weeks of that I treasure the memory very much.


I remember my neighbour Peter whose death was a dreadful agonising travesty. I do not regret my part in your world and remember you and your lady wife with great fondness. Your kindness and your dignity are remembered and your determination not to let your wife see the agony you where in is something I will never forget. Your lady wife, gloves and hat :) I remember fondly.

I remember Mr and Mrs Twist, there are uncomfortable and hurtful thoughts here but I honour your memory for there where times when we where good neighbours .

I remember my old friend Mrs Farnhall, oh you did delight in the goings on in the street. Your bed stood in state in the living room bow window. I remember Mrs Farnall "I'm being candid" and I remember Moira with her wonderful letters I have kept them, and the cards and so many kindnesses and consideration. Sadly missed and gratefully remembered both of you.

I remember not the name, but the sound of a mans voice on an aeroplane...'right men, lets rock and roll' he gave his life and those of his fellow passengers in true sacrifice. His death reminds me that sometimes it is a life given willingly for the good of others.

I remember the sound of the Chinese man who had telephoned his wife to say he loved her, was dying on a sandbank on the very shores of England, a poor man who worked all the hours he could to send home money to his very poor family...betrayed by one of his own countrymen he drowned.Many of his countrymen drowned too. I remember this with great sadness for them all.
I remember the horror of the Tsunami and finding myself with a lovely family the Plevins, instead of drunkenness and silly games on a New Years Eve the head of the family Russ asked us all to think of those who had lost their lives and I remember being touched by his simplicity and the sharing of that moment for all those people who had died.

I remember my childhood days with joy, free, English and able to speak my language because millions upon millions of people had died during WW2 to preserve my freedom and the horrors of the Holocaust. I remember my Uncles who could not discuss the war without breaking down, Sailor, Soldier, Airman and Homegaurd they are in my heart Uncles and Aunts, Cousins and Family Friends. I am grateful to them for my freedom.

One day we will meet again, in the great Halls of Light and Love. So many different religious beliefs, so many different ways of living and yet we will one day all be one in light and in love.


I see my Ancestors

Back to the beginning

They call to me

They bid me dwell with them

In love and Light

We will be together again.

Sam Hain or All Hallows is also My New Year and thus a chant is that which I end this my All Hallows Eulogy to my loved and lost family and friends.


Beat the Drum and Chant the way
Hear the heartfelt words i say
This year may we renew the earth
Give way to past and seek rebirth
Let it begin with each step we take
let it begin with the chains we break

I break the chains of the past, I deliver my memories to the light and love of my beloved friends and family whom I have lost to the next realm. May all that I do this new year be guided by Light, may my words and actions be rooted in light and may that which is caused by me be supported by light. Hail the Light, may my light never fade.

Jehra

For my Sisters

You all know who you are, my Sisters. Women who have come to understand that as a
Daughter.Sister,Wife, Mother,Friend,Cook, Gardeners, Lover and so much more..'you are more than the sum of your parts'. I will always love Erica Jong for her poem on that very subject.

Love has treated us in so many differing ways yet we share a common bond. We have been used, abused, taken advantage of, hurt and sometimes left to feel rejected, shamed,afraid and lost.

Life has gifted us each other. We have struggled with our commonality, shared our pains and our fears. Sought help from and support from each other and we have won.

Oh not the entire war, but we are still here, still fighting and still managing to keep our heads above water. We still have days when life seems so unfair, so scary when we look at the whole of it. We learn to be equal to the time, the moment and not the whole hour or day of challenge. Each little moment we manage to survive that little bit longer is not only survival it is a triumph.

The triumph of not giving in, not dying in some strange pact between the Gods by whatever name and yourselves...The Triumph of one more day where the simple things in life fill you with joy. A sunset, A childs laugh, a cats purr bringing acceptance that you might not 'win' the whole war but you can have a ceasfire on your emotions just for that little moment.

I have strayed at times from this winning style. Spent moments of despair so black, so dark with bitter hurts. Yet each time I have entered that pathway there has been something I could catch to lift me away. A remembered memory of joyful times, a telephone call 'out of the blue' and above all my Sisters. Women who like myself have survived so much.

In our pasts we have felt the brutality of a fist, a financial crushing blow, a homeless time, a physical dependancy , a time when our safety was hinged on what colour of the rainbow to be for our then partner or parent. We learned then and share now our combined strengths.

Between us we have so much to be grateful for, so much to be happy about. We are alive, we are surviving and we will learn from the mistakes we can acknowledge. Each time we do one or all of these positives, each time we share with each other support, friendship, consideration and care...we become stronger.

The strength we can lend out to others, sentances of commiseration, sometimes of righteous indignation and occasionally of outright defence are all tools of our ongoing fight.

When we can say to another woman...stop right there...listen to the truth and we share, we state our own battle, we give of our own lesson and we defend with a simple cup of coffee, a shoulder to cry on a moments sympathy and empathy...we become stronger.

When you walk out of your door and as you pass a scene being enacted you find the strength to say 'stop' 'what are you doing' call the police or intervene in someway when perhaps in the past you would turn your head and walk away, guilty by cowardice.

When you face your own fears of public humiliation and scream for help.

When you take the overcoat of the shame made for you by another and hand it back....you are being responsible for your own actions and not theirs...you have become strong.

That is the strength we Sisters of Survival have to share. That we can and do survive, that we become victors of that survival, no longer simply going through the motions but LIVING.

The day you feel you can love again, this time acknowledging your right to be treated as an equal. That you can and will say your truth in complete acceptance that freedom of speech is also part of your new you. That true freedom stems from inside you when you accept you have the same rights as everyone else...then truly you have survived and become a victor. Being able to love, knowing you will be treated well, and be an equal in that relationship....this then is one of our goals.

Sadly there are those of my Sisters who feel unable to love again, their freedom to do so damaged by the treatment of their previous partner. By an incident that has ripped away their right to peaceful sleep, confidence in themselves, belief in a future. To those of my Sisters in that path...stand still awhile. Let us be their for you. Let us lead the way towards your own freedom from the wretched chains of humiliating and debilitating memories. Become , as we have, victorious over your past and step towards a new day, a new way.

Those of us who are victorious, those of us who have become our true selves have been equal to the sum of our day only. Not of our life. We take each day and begin with that first breath of wakefulness to absorb the joy of the day. Anticipating nothing but life, enjoying the feelings of our freedom to be us. To be true to our own selfs will.

Living with lies, loving in fear, existing in terror of what might be the end of the days journey is no longer part of our world. We no longer sleep beneath a blanket of constant awareness of our vulnerability. We are aware of our weaknesses and gaurd against them with care but never obssesively...that way lies a different kind of prison.

Wether the prison we live in is made of physical abuse, emotional abuse or financial domination, our choices to walk away, to become stronger within ourselves and walk on into our own choice of path has made us not only survivors or success survivors or victors. Its first gift is freedom as an individual, its second gift is to live not exist and its third gift is to be true to the self. That choice has finally made us alive again.

Somewhere out there ! are women still struggling, still dominated, abused, hurt. Some of us still publish little comments or the occasional outburst against a particular act. This week alone I commended Lloyd who when awarded £10,000 for being a witness to a violent rape, promptly passed the money to the victim , not a rich man himself his comment was he felt he personally didn't deserve a reward for being a samaritan. Equally I published a link to a programme currently being made against so called Honour Killings in the UK. Young women forced into marriage, murdered for wanting the freedom to choose their own way.

Today I wanted to write to you, my Heart Sisters. I want to thank you, each and every one of you. I may never meet someof you. I may never hear from you or be acknowledged by you. Yet you inspire me. Those of you who held out your hand when I felt like dying. Those of you who drove madly through the night to come to my rescue. Those of you who listened for hours and hours as I dragged my weary mind through the hows,whys and wherefores. Those of you who fed me, clothed me, stood by my side. To my Blood Sister who wrote a cheque and said so simply 'eat' ; All of you...thankyou.

Today I stood on my little balcony, I watched a smooth and glistening sea curling its gentle waves to a pristine beach. I smelled the beautiful salty air with its fresh clean tang of Autumn. I watched a little bird feeding. I saw a Dolphin swim its joyful, leaping way across the bay. I opened my eyes to the soft pink and grey clouds as the suns rays pierced them here and there. I looked at the walls of Castle Harlech and observed from the towers the flight of hundreds of Jackdaws. I stood in awe and waited as the Dragons Breathe cleared from Snowdons summit and the range appeared from beneath a velvet veil of mists in all its beauty. I saw , smelled, felt my world, alive and joyous and knew the peace of having the freedom to enjoy, revel in being alive. A factual aspect I may never have experienced without you my Sisters.

My Sisters are all walking their own paths, each step forwards a glorious victory, a wonderful statement of intent and of positivity. Every single step you make is purely for yourself. Yet we, your Sisters will applaud and encourage and see your success as another small step in the evolution of our truth, our way.

Sisters of Triumph.

Thankyou for being exactly who you are.

Living up a Mountain

Yes thats what I do, I live up the top of a mountainside, nestled along the coast of west Wales. Its a wonderful experiance and a genuine privaledge to live here .

Alongside my home is Harlech Castle with its tumbled ancient walls and its magnificent floodlit atmosphere at night. Local youths have attempted the rite of passage here every year, to stay in the castle, to enter it at night and walk the walls over a hundred feet above the ground. You see mists or is it a ghost ? drifting around and your skin shivers with anticipatory fears.

The coastal waters are crystal clear, sometimes emerald green, turquoise, deep blue, sky blue and often a mix of them all but forever a changing beautiful image to inspire. The waves can crash onshore like a thousand white stallions eager to reach the beach, or lap carressingly against your toes, tickling you with tiny drifts of seaweed. Fish in shoals leap over the waters playfully, safe from the trawlers nets , occasionally flirting with the stray angler who has hopefully cast his fishing line in the languid waters. Swimming here is a must, the Gulf Stream warms the waters all through winter, it isn't unusual to see a little skinny dipping going on in the middle of November !!!

The forests are ancient, marked on maps so old they are kept in museums, ancient trees dripping with weedlike trailing ivies and goosegrass, sometimes lichen and moss so thick its as soft and deep as a mattress. Fairies probably do live here...if you stayed still long enough to see one ! Mushrooms and fungi nestle in little pockets of the forest floor or inside a rotting log and some of the trees are so old they can't be 'hugged' they are far to wide a trunk on them. Silence is your companion in the forests, silence and a feeling of timeless mysteries.

But living in a small village atop a mountain has its drawbacks too.

There are two village stores, one at the top of the mountain, one at the bottom and to reach either from the other end you either catch a bus OR if your feeling brave you walk up Twtl Hill...Gods its steep, in fact I believe its one of the steepest roads in the UK and I have actually walked it twice in one day...slept for an hour after but it had to be done. Food is expensive and limited in choice but one store is open till 8pm and one till 10pm so at least we have some availablity. One thing we don't run short of is a choice of presents for family because of course we have shops to sell items to tourists and in winter they do a brisk trade for the old xmas stocking too. We have cafes and resteraunts galore and breakfast is often an occasion to go out and have a chat to neighbours over coffee and a bacon butty. By the way butty is a word taken from the Welsh Buttie which is translated as cafe...there you go read and learn haha.

Another drawback to living up here is the travel time you take to get anywhere. To visit the nearest town with any shops noted in most small towns, your Tesco or Lidl and the like. Then it is a ten or fifteen mile drive through the sharp mountain roads and either the toll bridge or the coast road both of which can get flooded in winter. Or joy of joys we can be snowed in, or worse fogged in..the fog is by far the worst. Sea mist can roll in up the mountain within literally seconds and of course the rain when it falls can lash with fury as coast winds howl in from the sea bringing salt water as well as rain as a downpour that can occasionally sound like a thousand drummers all madly pounding on your windows with tiny drumsticks.

Added to the distance you have to go for ordinary shopping is travel time to see family. My blood family all live miles away, its a 3 hour drive to get to my Mum and in an emergency I would have to drive like a hellion to get to her under that time using the hidden roads around here. The roads that cut through mountains and highlands, little more than tracks and without a single light or warning sign, they do get you where your going fast, almost an hour faster but they can have their own little dangers so its risky. Couple that with the well known fact that our Police are hell on fire when it comes to traffic offences and you have yet two more drawbacks.

Most of us drive ordinary cars but to travail the mountains we also have to have superior driving skills. I don't mean we are superior to other people, I mean we have to become superior to our normal everyday driving skills. For one thing hairpin bends and massive spiralling roads is common. Gathering your skills to get anywhere is a genuine act. You think of the twists and turns, the gradients (some being 1 in 6 !!!) and the timing too. No one travels during tourist time if they can help it. Too many people who don't understand the sudden sheep in the road, the tourist who is walking along the roads with an enormous backpack that can take your wing mirror off even though you gave the person a wide berth, the emerging tumble of a tree as it slowly kilters down the land because its time is up....and so is yours if your not quick enough. Stone slides, floods and ice as black as the road and undetectable...are common every day hazards, so driving skills to the fore and never, ever, ever speed...because sure as eggs are eggs the Policeman will be just round the corner. In fairness they do a grand job, but they are really strict here so it is rare indeed to see anyone stupid enough to speed or to drink drive...they would be without a car within the week and that would make life very difficult indeed.

Hospitals are miles away, a dentist is over ten miles away and fully booked usually, the travel to any place limited to two trains a day and thats it...a couple of buses if the roads are safe. trust me, no one wants to lose their car.

Which brings me to the final drawback...you never know when your family want you, never know when you might have to travel somewhere and never know how quickly you will have to be ready so as a village I can tell to the minute when everyone relaxes. Saturday Night.

You don't have a social night during the week that involves alcohol...you might be driving the next day. You don't have a drink on Friday Night because its town and shopping on Saturday morning so its Saturday Night. Because Sunday morning you can have a lie in bed, plan absolutely nothing and enjoy the time off from work, shopping, and sudden needs to get about...Sunday is Sacred.

I personally think its brilliant, when it isn't tourist season the whole week is beautifully balanced, work, sleep and easy going socialising, come the weekend party time...but just one night. Sure people do act outside of this but it is the norm, it is the way, because it works. Its why my friends on Facebook take the mickey out of me, they know they can put a status on their own FB thats about party times and I can only click on like but I can't join in...especially when I had to take painkillers OMG that was a tee total time all round not even my weekend moment lol. But in the end its an old fashioned way of socialising a few drinks on a saturday with a few good friends then a nice lie in and then back to work...and you don't lose your drivers license either :)

Any other drawbacks ? not that I can think of, you are known by everyone, your business is known by everyone so their are no lies or need to hide yourself because there is no point. A whole lot stressfull than for some :)

All in all I love living up a mountain, I love the atmosphere and the people and the view and the peace and the quiet. I can walk, swim,drive or simply lounge on my balcony to my hearts content. Visitors love it, friends are threatening to move in...and I am happy.

You should try it sometime :)