I'm a Drama waiting to Happen !

My little Mum said with her wonderful insight 'Susan, your a drama waiting to happen' and I understood exactly what she meant. If it can go wrong...it will for me, if it shouldn't go right in a million years....for me...it will. If it can possibly happen to anyone at all....it will happen to me. So nine times out of ten all I ever have to get me through stuff...is faith.

For example:-

Walking to the dentist one afternoon I turned a corner and a little boy with his sister where stood crying. I didn't really see what else was going on, its a busy main road...but a child crying, I am glad to say, I would not miss. I leaned down to this young chap, about 11 years or so in age and asked what was wrong and he pointed a shaking hand over to his right...."that mans got my Mum".

Sure enough there was a man hanging onto the Post Office Door for grim death.On the other side of the door was a man in a mask and he was trying to wrench the door open.....another man was holding a woman in a threatening way.......and everything went into slow motion......

As I turned my head I realised the car which was parked alongside me and the children had a man in an 'old man mask' sat at the wheel, he had freckles on the back of his hand, the kind of freckles one associates with red hair. I looked up again, and saw people, how on earth I had missed them before I don't know but there where dozens of them...all just stood watching, no one helping the poor Postman then I realised that these men where armed and there was more than one in the post office and the little boys screams seemed to be coming from far away.

Later I realised that my adrenalin had so speeded my heart rate up that I was in the very real 'fight or flight' zone that you read about and truly, time seems to stand still and everything and everyone is in slow motion.

Something snapped inside me, I have no idea why...but I turned to the car by my side and walked ever so calmly to the front of it and read the number plate. The little boy was still screaming and the man in the car watched me then turned and said something to the child in an angry voice. I didn't hear his words, only his tone, nasty and threatening and I saw red. I thumped the bonnet of the car and angrily now stalked back to the child with the intention of moving the children and comforting them........ just as the robbers having finally dragged the door open came charging towards....'us'...

The lead man raised his hand up, he had something black and shiny in his hands and I didn't have time to check what it was (later I found out it was a police baton) he threatened the children and I still do not know where I got the courage (or maybe the foolhardyness) from I picked the little girl up and scooped her over the hedges behind her and told her to stay where she was and just had time to push the little lad behind me, I faced the angry robber, they hadn't expected so many people around I suppose, or maybe they too where charged up on adrenalin.

He now threatened me and stood towering over my five foot frame, easily six foot 2 or 3 and I was absolutely terrified. The children where howling in fear, there where people all over the place and then there was me and a robber and two little ones and he threatened the little boy who had shouted something about his Mum. From somewhere inside me the words screeched at him. "You Bastard don't you DARE hit a child "and my fists came up and I swear I would have fought with him if he had so much as flickered another eyebrow. He actually stepped back and looked straight into my eyes...there must have been something of my temper in them because.....

The scumbag jumped into the car and it drove off with a screeching tyres style racing action and everyone started shouting and police cars arrived and I held onto the little ones until a shaken Mum was allowed to leave her statement and gather her children into her arms.

Leaving my name and address...I then went to the dentists...what a moment.

Odd little moments like that have happened all through my life. I can start out with the intentions of doing something simple and everyday and 'bang' suddenly I am in the middle of an incident.

I work for myself. Years ago I had a telephone call from a chap whose daddy owns a diomond mine...yep really !!! he asked my advice and I gave it and then from out of the blue I said 'don't get on any planes to the North this week'. He rang me later that week and asked me if I meant what I said, I asked why and he said he was at the airport and had no option but to fly North and had two flights he could choose from. I gave him the flight to use. I watched the news obsessively...Lockerbie is still in my heart because to this day I know somehow I could feel there was something going to happen to a flight going North and it was that flight. I am pretty unworldly at times and didn't have enough information. the chap was extremely shaken, very glad he rang me but me...I still wish I had known how to tell someone who might have made a difference.

Walking into a Chipshop to order some food the man at the back of the queue decided he would like to hit someone...and chose me ! I hadn't even opened my mouth ...sometimes I think there is a sign over my head 'this one', anyway he came at me like a fool, my hand shot out, gripped some place around his neck and shoulder and the whole left side of his body stiffened and contorted and I frog marched him outside with a few choice words. He stood outside looking totally bewildered. I have NO idea what it was i did, if anything I'd call it the Vulcan Neck Hold and wherever the knowledge came from I am extremely grateful because the man stayed away from me, other customers and no one said anything.

I had a series of bills arrived following the closure of my business, they added up to £5,000 and I had just lost my income. I sat wondering what the hell to do when the postman delivered two large brown envelopes, one had a cheque in it for £2,000 and one had a cheque in it for £3,000

whew!!! But these are tiny things that have happened, just illustrating that my life isn't really what you could call normal.

Take this week for instance, I asked a question that seemed to unleash the very devil into my world. Simple enough, I asked when some soundproofing would be done...the landlord 'suggested' it was time I left. That was just 3 days ago, and 27 days before Christmas and my heart almost broke.

Being pro active has its benefits and it also has its detrimental side but its my nature so as I had been given my marching orders at 5pm that night I spent the entire night 'not sleeping' and the morning I spent ringing family to tell them I was homeless, and they couldn't come for Christmas and the first time in fifteen years I could have had a Christmas in my own home, with my own family was dead in the water. I felt so empty and so hurt and so frightened.

The landlord by the way wants to know if I have still fallen out with him !!!!

That to one side I had spent all Thursday morning in bits, the afternoon had the lndlord in my home when I'd gone to the shop so I feel awkward, he's barely speaking, wants to know what the BF is going to do (he has his own cottage) and I am sitting at the computer thinking what the hell can I do now? So I wrote e mails to friends 'help','house','rent' and sent them. Friday afternoon I have an e mail an appointment and a friend has answered the call....and I'm looking round a house that has me gasping with joy.

£80 cheaper a month than the flat, three times the size of it, ambient noises I've lived with all my life and above all...move in now. SAVED !!!!

I can look at being in a home for the next 6 months and relax a little. Oh sure it has drawbacks, windows being done, rendering but as I said to the new landlord...the workmen finish at 5pm in fact in this village more like 4pm...I can deal with that, I really can because its finite and pubs emptying ? it rains here in winter ......a lot ! so susre they can make a noise ....but how long for.

Me I will have somewhere to live and right now, Christmas might be poor, because all my presant money had to go on making myself a new home....but at least I have a roof over my head and that feels, well that feels good.

Faith makes it work, but the drama made it happen.

When your homeless at Christmas

I've lived in my little apartment since it first became completed. Today my landlord said he thought it was time for me to leave. Why ? because I asked when the rest of the build would be finished ie: the soundproofing between me and about 20 gambling and game machines and a busy cafe with a manageress who likes her music loud (until the boss is arriving when it mysteriously goes lots quieter).

The manageress by the way is his girlfriend...

I suppose that I am more than just a little bitter, a black hole in my head and its closing in on me. Where will I find a home so quickly, where will I be at Christmas? you see...he wants a date off me to move because he has a family to move in as soon as the place is empty. They won't care 'about a bit of noise'. I am expendable. He isn't going to do the sound proofing because he can't afford it...yet he is going to Tenerife this weekend and then to Poland with his girlfriend and then his Dad is flying out to spend Christmas with him and his son...how do I know this ? because in the same breathe he told me all this he told me to get out of his flat.


Does that sound bitter ? probably, am I bitter ? yes I am.

I can't say I am not because in the end, I truly loved living here and its breaking my heart to leave.

All of a sudden my reasonable question 'when is the sound proofing going to be done' became ' I think you need to move on' and I am homeless again.

When he had made his little statement I think I went into shock, yet the following morning (now) he has decided to shut his arcade for the winter..!!! so he couldn't say 'i'm shutting this week sue, we'll discuss it all after christmas' no he just wanted me out..

I can't explain properly how much this will make my world so different again. The holiday my daughter would have shared with me at Christmas is now finished. My son may as well stay in France he isn't going to have anywhere to stay.I won't see my little family this year I will be packing and to drive 120 miles for one day won't be possible.

I have to give my little dog whom I was gifted by my daughter only 3 weeks ago; away. Well to be honest he is going to live with my friend but i shall miss him very much, I had come to love him deeply, he was my little friend, someone to love and care for, someone to share the late evenings with.

I won't be buying Christmas gifts, I will be saving my money because I will need a deposit again and a months rent and a moving van and of course all the legal fees to move , these days its £80 just to have a search done on you to prove your a decent person who isn't going to do a runner with the rent. There won't be any change from £1200 and thats a lot of money by anyones standards.

I won't be going to Stafford to see my daughter this month, or travelling to see my Mum because of the same thing, any money I have will have to go towards finishing my lease (the one I never had given me or a rent book !) because I have council tax to pay and sort out all the other things I usually leave till the end of the year...its made me so sad.

I won't be able to earn any money to live by, I will be on whatever form of benefit it is possible to have when you are homeless because quite frankly I have looked at everything I need to do...and I can't cope with it.

To take 4000 pounds of my hard earned money, to have the indecency to place his hidden agenda before me at the very time when everyone else i the world will be celebrating...THAT hurts.

I am a nothing,

I am a no one,

I do not matter in this mans eyes at all and as a result:-

I am expendable.

I feel empty inside and all because of hidden agendas.

The sound proofing was supposed to be done in September, i could deal with that, its now the end of November.....I truly didn't think I was being unreasonable.

I feel tired and fed up and hurt and I do blame him. In my heart of hearts yes I do. I don't think he has been fair and I don't think its kind and I feel like sending him a blank card with Merry Christmas to You Too on it but he wouldn't understand. he is all excited because his dad and Son will be with him Christmas time and i am sat here, writing my bitterness out because he will be here in the morning...and I don't want to be angry and I won't let him see me cry.

So the witterings of my head are here on my blog for all the world to see....because I haven't done anything wrong...but I am paying the price of being the tenant of a self made millionaire who has forgotten that not everyone can click their fingers and re arrange their world in a moment.

Just 25 days before Christmas, and I am dreading it.

Money eases many a road to heaven or hell. Lack of money or lack of preperation is a one way street to bedlam. This situation....has broken me as nothing else has for a long time. The singer just got off the stage and Susan ....................has left the building.

Remembrance Poems

FOR THE FALLEN

by Laurenc Binyon

With proud thanksgiving, a mother for her children,

England mourns for her dead across the sea.

Flesh of her flesh they were,spirit of her spirit

Fallen in the cause of the free