When your homeless at Christmas

I've lived in my little apartment since it first became completed. Today my landlord said he thought it was time for me to leave. Why ? because I asked when the rest of the build would be finished ie: the soundproofing between me and about 20 gambling and game machines and a busy cafe with a manageress who likes her music loud (until the boss is arriving when it mysteriously goes lots quieter).

The manageress by the way is his girlfriend...

I suppose that I am more than just a little bitter, a black hole in my head and its closing in on me. Where will I find a home so quickly, where will I be at Christmas? you see...he wants a date off me to move because he has a family to move in as soon as the place is empty. They won't care 'about a bit of noise'. I am expendable. He isn't going to do the sound proofing because he can't afford it...yet he is going to Tenerife this weekend and then to Poland with his girlfriend and then his Dad is flying out to spend Christmas with him and his son...how do I know this ? because in the same breathe he told me all this he told me to get out of his flat.


Does that sound bitter ? probably, am I bitter ? yes I am.

I can't say I am not because in the end, I truly loved living here and its breaking my heart to leave.

All of a sudden my reasonable question 'when is the sound proofing going to be done' became ' I think you need to move on' and I am homeless again.

When he had made his little statement I think I went into shock, yet the following morning (now) he has decided to shut his arcade for the winter..!!! so he couldn't say 'i'm shutting this week sue, we'll discuss it all after christmas' no he just wanted me out..

I can't explain properly how much this will make my world so different again. The holiday my daughter would have shared with me at Christmas is now finished. My son may as well stay in France he isn't going to have anywhere to stay.I won't see my little family this year I will be packing and to drive 120 miles for one day won't be possible.

I have to give my little dog whom I was gifted by my daughter only 3 weeks ago; away. Well to be honest he is going to live with my friend but i shall miss him very much, I had come to love him deeply, he was my little friend, someone to love and care for, someone to share the late evenings with.

I won't be buying Christmas gifts, I will be saving my money because I will need a deposit again and a months rent and a moving van and of course all the legal fees to move , these days its £80 just to have a search done on you to prove your a decent person who isn't going to do a runner with the rent. There won't be any change from £1200 and thats a lot of money by anyones standards.

I won't be going to Stafford to see my daughter this month, or travelling to see my Mum because of the same thing, any money I have will have to go towards finishing my lease (the one I never had given me or a rent book !) because I have council tax to pay and sort out all the other things I usually leave till the end of the year...its made me so sad.

I won't be able to earn any money to live by, I will be on whatever form of benefit it is possible to have when you are homeless because quite frankly I have looked at everything I need to do...and I can't cope with it.

To take 4000 pounds of my hard earned money, to have the indecency to place his hidden agenda before me at the very time when everyone else i the world will be celebrating...THAT hurts.

I am a nothing,

I am a no one,

I do not matter in this mans eyes at all and as a result:-

I am expendable.

I feel empty inside and all because of hidden agendas.

The sound proofing was supposed to be done in September, i could deal with that, its now the end of November.....I truly didn't think I was being unreasonable.

I feel tired and fed up and hurt and I do blame him. In my heart of hearts yes I do. I don't think he has been fair and I don't think its kind and I feel like sending him a blank card with Merry Christmas to You Too on it but he wouldn't understand. he is all excited because his dad and Son will be with him Christmas time and i am sat here, writing my bitterness out because he will be here in the morning...and I don't want to be angry and I won't let him see me cry.

So the witterings of my head are here on my blog for all the world to see....because I haven't done anything wrong...but I am paying the price of being the tenant of a self made millionaire who has forgotten that not everyone can click their fingers and re arrange their world in a moment.

Just 25 days before Christmas, and I am dreading it.

Money eases many a road to heaven or hell. Lack of money or lack of preperation is a one way street to bedlam. This situation....has broken me as nothing else has for a long time. The singer just got off the stage and Susan ....................has left the building.