Choices

Choices are made every minute of our day. We choose to create, change, do or not do something at every turn of time. Yet sometimes those choices are made so much more difficult because of 'factors'.

Over the years there have been many of those 'factors' which have impinged on my freedom of choice and as a result my personal world has taken a variety of paths. I used to call these strange moments when my world 'went off at a tangent' ......................My Adventures.

I am about to have another one....any minute now.

On Sunday I was offered a choice, keep a lucrative contract (but at a lower rate) or give up the contract.

Simple enough, not really that hard a choice, most people. Especially in these harsh economic times, would keep the contract and look for further work while finishing things off. Maybe even filch a few customers for when you moved, perhaps even challenge the stats revealed and change the goals achieved. Fight back and prove stats wrong and surpass previous efforts.

All of that was possible, then; my damned ethics got in the way.

'oh those things !' yes ethics, or if you prefer 'principles'. I have lost count of how many times I have said to people "strengthen your resolve and stick to the core values you hold dear " Because of course, living a lie is damned uncomfortable. My ethics where being challenged at the very heart of my world. Materially there where some pretty solid factors that had to be addressed before I made my final choice.

If I stayed with the contract I would have to move home. If I moved home it would never have what I have here.

This apartment is the jewel in my crown, so up to date the cooker isn't on the open market yet, so well built that my heating costs in the middle of winter for 8 rooms will be roughly ten pounds a week. A castle a 100 yards from me, the sea, the mountains, the forests all within 15 minutes by foot or car. Beautiful views, wonderful friends and the chance to finally belong somewhere. The entire area calls out to me, I have indeed come home'.

Of course I hit the 'devastated button' my whole world was being challenged. Then alternatives came in, I could return to my disabled status, let the government keep me...an outright no ! screeched from the depths of my soul, I am not and never will be just a number. One of the faceless thousands bureaucracy has a complete hold over.

I could continue and struggle for a few months and hope to get back on track, run up a few debts but staggering them over the following months finally get back on top....all I had to do was squeeze a few minutes extra into every connection I made over the telephone. That's all.

But 'ethics', 'principles' call it what you may; came and kicked the door down on my thoughts.

It unsettled me, caused me to think, but I hadn't made up my mind. I decided I was very uncomfortable with representing myself as a Senior 'anything' on the grounds that I could make something last longer than it needed too. My decision was made. Uncertainly that is true but it was made. My principles/ethics would hold true and if that meant I had to lose my home, then so be it. I am not a Shill, I do not and never have 'padded anything out' but I was still afraid of my choice it was a lot to do...choose to be without a contract. Down right scary in fact.

Then came an e mail, it described me and my work in the most unflattering terms, grossly defamatory, very upsetting. My response was not as most people would expect. I didn't flare up in anger I was so hurt. So destroyed by this action because of course I knew it was a lie and my mind was in turmoil...but my resolve was at last strengthened ; with one, careless lying e mail.

I have worked in many areas over the years, 40 years working in so many varieties of life can be very handy. From Cadet Nurse Jones sprang, The Head of Computronics at the very cutting edge of commerce, dealing with billion pound orders and end of month book keepings,Mrs Swift and all the experiences of Motherhood, betrayal, divorce, violence and financial domination. But alongside Mrs Swift came the factory worker, the cleaner, the bar maid, the driver, the head bar maid, the under managerand all those percentages and wage bills, tax and rebates, sick pay and recipts, the manager, the licensee, the owner, the lessee , the web builder, the self employed artist and a wealth of other attributes and buried within them all...is the accountant, the one who is central to it all.

I learned to do flow charts,abacus charts, linear and venn and pie charts and I learned to do percentages in my head...fast work needs a fast mind...I am at top speed. I dragged out my figures, i worked solid for 12 hours and then again for another 6. I used nothing more than an old calculator then I double checked. Yes I had been lied too. Someone had twisted numbers to create a negative view. I was back on solid ground.

Ethics are wonderful but they don't feed you, principles are a necessity to remain humane, but they don't house you...lies can and do press buttons in you, they give you the fight it or flee it syndrome in actions that are far louder than any words. I decided to re read the emails sent and received. More lies are revealed when you have figures you can depend on. Anything can be made into a lie with a simple twist of the word, a new angle, a missed single number...and everything will change. That in itself is quite a power to acknowledge.

When that power is misused and in a way defamatory or damaging towards yourself, then the strengthening of resolves is immaterial. This is now personal, it hits at the very heart of your ego, your sense of self esteem. Fight ? or Flight?

I made my decision on the principle nothing else. The lie simply made it imperative tht I did make my choices there and then.I removed myself, I resigned. If I had not been lied too, I don't now know if I would have compromised. I would like to believe my ethics and principles would have been upheld anyway but I cannot deny that the lie made things all too real, all too plain to me. I will NOT be dominated by anyone, still less a faceless person who uses and abuses the power they have, to create problems that do not exist to back up their own ego , their own power status.

That left me in a very poor position both financially and within myself. I accepted I would lose my home, accepted I would be in a different position in society once again.

Then my apartment door was banged on, slammed on until I finally answered. My Knight in Shining Armour, complete with his own duraglit !!!!! wow!

With no knowledge to him other than I was distressed and hadn't been seen for two days he was determined to be answered. His shock when he read the e mails was altogether so heart warming. His following diatribe was ego boosting to the extreme. I had NO idea he felt as he did about my skills. Very much an ego boost. Healing in fact He wrote an answer for me, it consisted of two words and an awful lot of 'f's' in it, I declined to use it....but my heart swelled with gratitude.

Unexpectedly another e mail arrived from someone I consider a close personal friend....rent money here, just ask ! what could I say to that? I sat crying with humble gratitude.

A telephone call, ' what the hells going on', distress signals it seems can be passed over the ether, a close and personal student of mine had 'felt' my hurt and wanted to help...she did by connecting with an old employer...'Sues' looking for more contracts' and an e mail ensued. In fact I have just sent them my bank details...nice isn't it.

This morning I opened two e mails, both offering me work, work that will more than cover the fears of my future. I am relieved beyond measure, I am without doubt completely vindicated. The Gods would not have opened this door for me if I had chosen wrongly, I truly believe that.

So I will keep my home and a bonus too. I can actually have a whole week off to myself. I need it, I really do. The emotional backlash hasn't finished with me yet.

I still can't speak on the phone properly and I don't think I am fit to work properly at the moment as yet. Simply I am recovering.

But I am glad I made my decision, glad it is in the past now.

Well almost. I have to decide wether or not to take further actions, is it worth it. Do I demand a retraction of the falsities ? do I involve my Barrister friend and his oh so slick knife witted venom, do I take my figures elsewhere for a full review, what to do? revenge is not my way, but justice is and I need that bit to wait until my personal feelings are out of the loop. All Justice is better served cold and precisely. It isn't just a matter of hitting back or demanding an apology. When lies and deception are part of the reason you make a choice, you must yourself be very truthful With everyone. That then will be another choice, one I will consider for a while.

Choices ? when others actions can encourage/depress/create or destroy you, there is no choice at all....you stand by your beliefs. You love yourself enough to believe in yourself.

Not a bad choice.

Next time your up against it, look deep within, are you being true to you? does it feel right ? can you sleep at night? will you be proud of yourself the next day? and good luck...after the last three days I have a much clearer view of myself.

I actually have principles, I'm rather proud of that.