Today

Today has been a strange one. From the start my day has been filled with old challenges. Yet of them all the folowing has been the one that stayed in my thoughts poking and prodding at me.
Starting with my friend Kerry saying she liked my new picture on Face book to another friend demanding I removed the same picture because I looked like an 'agony aunt'.
Here was the same image of me (in words) from years ago, some see me as a friend others see me as a 'handy' friend, someone they can tell all their troubles too.

As that is part of my job, listening to peoples problems, occasionally having the answers, I found my two friends very different views of my picture challenging and in a way sad. For my friends often fall into the two camps I mentioned earlier. I began to think.
NOT the best thing to do when your brain is already filled with a whole series of questions about entirely different subject matter.....but think I did.

I feel on a personal level it is a huge compliment that others can talk about issues with me, certainly it is comforting to know I am trusted and that my wisdom's are appreciated. Yet in a strange way it is also disappointing, I have never been 'Gods Gift' as the saying goes but oh how I wanted to be 'hot', how much I wanted to be seen as 'desirable' or even 'a honey pot' but my face has never been that glamour puss face or the sultry come to bed look, just friendly and occasionally when I was younger I would be told I looked pretty.

I never truly thought I had such vanity in me, yet when I allow myself the time to 'think' on the subject there it is in huge outlined/underlined/neon bright letters ' I feel old'. Yes I really do.
It isn't anything to do with my years or even the maturity of my mind, it is simply I am no longer seeing myself as a competitor in the great human race of compatible mate syndrome. I am out of the race and stood on the sidelines of the marathon finish line watching the younger ones still staggering across the finish line with a prize over there shoulders.

Being 'seen' by anyone in a specific role can , and does, challenge the perceptions of their peers , family and colleagues. You are introduced almost 'in character' or displayed (as in the case of face book) and by the responses of those people to you as a personality , the image is spread further.
You become your own worst enemy when you do not defy the image but acquiesce to it, perhaps even promote it. Before too long, you are trapped in the genre you have been placed in and no one ever sees you differently.

I am seen as practical, sensible, helpful, a crisis pillow to cry into, a post to lean on, a walking aid when you have stumbled in life. These are all very complimentary as long as they are not an abused status but oh HOW my heart wished to be seen in a very different light.

To be seen as pretty cool, a real hotty, gorgeous, beautiful, not my nature so much as complimentary of my face, my figure. Sadly even I can say in total honesty that neither fits into those categories. But that in itself (the truth) will not stop the envious piercing of your heart when all the boys look at your friend with their tongue hanging out, or your friends boy friend brings along a 'mate' for you and he looks like the back end of a bus...ah yes a few of us have been 'there' have we not ?

There are, of course, advantages to being 'the other one' for we generally speaking do tend to pair up one stunning one a little ordinary. As 'the other one' I got to meet interesting men I didn't have to fight with to get to the mirror and there was no competition as to who was best dressed either...to a man I think they all wore denim jeans :) I don't believe anyone in a suit ever approached me in my life! Certainly the poor soul lumbered with me would be so damned grateful just to have a girl on his arms I tended to be treated rather well, so yes there were advantages. The drawback however, could detract if envy or disturbing thoughts entered your mind. Instead of being grateful the man had bought you an ice cream in the cinema you would look at the chocolates your friend got and feel a little miffed :)

Being described as kind, caring and lovely person is of course a compliment. Yet the heart still cries out to hear what wonderful legs you have, or a cute nose or that your lips are made for kissing.

So my new picture on my profile has done me a service, whether it is a good one or a bad one I have yet to decide. It comes as rather a shock to realise that the old teenage angst has been lurking in the bottom draw of my minds filing system, just waiting to leap out and present itself.

There are issues here, some a psychologist could probably explain about self image and low self esteem or poor ego...yet I don't believe that is wholly the truth. I believe , in part, that if your life is spent with people who wouldn't know how to give a compliment , even if in their hearts they consider you special, then you will find yourself overlooking your own image and accepting other peoples more negative views.

I think it rather sad that in my own experience I can remember many insults concerning my body, my face, even my voice and very few compliments from those same people.If nothing else today has caused me to re consider my imagery of myself a little more positively. One is told repeatedly that self image is important, so is a compliment. You can stare at yourself in the mirror and assess your attributes as much as you like, but without that all important compliment it is a meaningless exercise. So I am going to compliment myself occasionally and yes, I looked in the mirror...not bad, not beautiful, but ; well, hmmm not bad :)

But tomorrow I will definitely go on a diet !