This time, last week I sat at my computer, my head in absolute bits.
To say I was torn by the choices laid before me is an understatement. I had to choose between allowing a company in the name of good old 'filthy lucre' to lower my rate of payment (though not I might add, the hours worked or the standard of work) or else leave because as the Choices blog stated at the time...I had principles.
Those who know me well, realised a long time ago that shoving or pushing me brings out the absolute worst side of my Taurean nature. I shoved my head down, sharpened my horns and made my play. I would rather (and I did mean this and still do ) become homeless and penniless than choose to be a 'shill reader' (someone who pads minutes out to extend a service which increases the cost). From the moment I made that decision my head was clearer.
The following day, those choices where absolute, declared and I prepared myself for losing my lovely home and all the attendant problems that go with that. As I once again sat at this computer and sent my resignation. I informed friends and family with a copy of my resignation and sat and despaired of the whole issue. Within ten minutes e-mail after e-mail arrived. Some where from colleagues, some where from friends aware of my choices and some...where from old employers eager to ask me back...my world was saved.
Only five days remained of this week and I still had hell and heaven to endure. I had to travel (I loathe it) and not just a few miles but over a hundred in a car that has played the very devil with my finances over the last year. Sadly 'car' is getting old and needs tender loving care. We scraped the journey with my gear changing skills pushed to the limit (the ratchet is going) and arrived in St. Helens where I was greeted to a wonderful meal and equally welcome company. That too became a blog. Waiting for Dinner. There was heaven.
Hell was anticipated with some pretty gruesome dental work to be done. Fear is not a pleasant companion, even less so when the fear is a life long phobia. But sit in that dentists chair I did, hell on earth for me...and the dentist gave me ..... heaven ! no more operations, no more pain...whoopee. I rushed outside to the car and hell had visited again. Lidl car park in Liverpool is NO GO, trust me a £90. fine for being in the car park over the 1 and a half hours...the devils !!!!! and I shop at Lidl every week. I was fuming and upset because of course finances are tight right now. Ah well says I to myself its the day for the big H one way or another, heaven/hell/and hospital.
I drove back to my home with a desperate need to be on time. Blood tests and all the grim fears of being in Heart Attack Alley where now sat on my shoulder whispering there vile little phrases.
No cheese (sob for a veggie that's another hell) no creamy butter, no lovely full fat cream, no butter fudge and worst of all NO chocolate, oh woe, woe and thrice times woe!!!!! Hell again.
Heaven arrived with a quick weighing session. Ahhh you see...none of those gorgeous foods is a necessity to life, simply the desires of a much indulged palette , here indeed was the heaven of the day... I had lost over a full stone in weight and best of all...I could see my feet ! GREAT.
The penultimate day arrived of this weird and wonderful challenging week. I had a new job by now, things where not quite as grim as I believed. The hell of my decision had been overlaid and finally wiped away by my ex boy friend, my son and my Mother all demanding they be allowed to ' help you, you stubborn woman!' and help they did.
The ex turned into the Boy Friend again, the Son stayed in France and the Mother began planning a surprise and I sat in amazement at the amount of beautiful comments, e mails and telephone calls I had received all week. I felt....well to be honest I actually felt loved. Isn't that nice .
So penultimate day and all that.... I got washed and dressed and decided to try my nice new clothes. Black of course. I still am not comfortable in colours just yet. I whisked a little makeup on, dragged the brush through my hair and set off to do a little shopping. I lost count of the "Hello...wow don't you look well" comments which where finally summed up by my friend Jan in Seasons and Reasons..." I don't know what you've done but I'll have a bottle of it " which just absolutely made my day.
I trotted home, full of the joys of spring. heaven landed and this time it stayed a little longer. I enjoyed a whole days rest and recuperation which was interrupted by five visitors to my home. One after the other who where 'new visitors' people I hadn't met before or old friends from my college days and camping in the wilds of The Lleyn Peninsular. Very welcome, wonderful chat and a few sessions on the guitar. All in all a most satisfying afternoon. Heaven stayed a bit longer still.
I stayed up quite late, I have to alter my body clock as most of my work will now be late at night and not set hours as before. I played my war game on Evony and ended with a deep sigh of satisfaction having built lots more archers, abandoned a castle and so forth. Loved it and after a short visit from the BF went to bed and slept the sleep of the just.
Today is the anniversary...hmmm strangely enough I awoke at the same time of the 'phone call last week...the one that hit me in the heart. I sat for a moment and stared at grey skies. Skies that would rain all day long and sighed. It felt strange after all not to be working with my lovely line managers. It felt strange not to be logging into work and chatting to my clients. It felt strange to meander up and down the village street and it felt even stranger to be so lost in such a small place. But I did feel lost. I almost felt guilty for not working today.
A week off however was a must. My entire world had been put ' through the mill' and I needed to rest. I won't have much time to myself soon. Hell ? not really but a part of the changes going on and uncomfortable and a little disheartening to have your world so Topsy Turvey all because of a principle. Then Heaven arrived in the form of one sentence.
" I've spoken to the landlord...here's his number " and lo and behold...it looks as if I will have my Gallery for next years tourist trade. Actually while discussing the ins and outs of it, some customers listened to a little and promptly commissioned two portraits and that was for when I open...what a week !
I've learned one thing about myself, yes I have principles and if I had lost all, as I truly believed then I would still feel the same way about my decision. I did not spare a thought for what might have been other than to hand my figures over to an expert for perusal and a copy of the e mails sent. They will now make some decisions for me regarding the matter...that's out of my hands and a huge relief to me.
I discovered that the acts of human kindness spanning from happy little e mails of support, to very real offers of financial aid and waiting to have dinner with me...every single one of those moments was blessed and welcomed and healed me from the inside out.
I discovered my BF is a Knight in Shining Armour and that my family believe in me so well, they didn't for a moment doubt my reasoning or my decision, in fact to the last one of friends and family and even my landlord!!! (that was a shock) supported my decision and understood it for what it was.
And finally I realised that though there are many things in my world which have problems to be dealt with or things to be sorted, even a few challenges...well to be honest Heaven or Hell...the mountains still filled my eyes with their beauty, the sea still calmed my ragged nerves and the smiles of the tourists as they passed me by still made me feel happy inside..where it counts.
In the great balance of things, though heaven and hell have both visited me this week. I can honestly say....what a wonderful week I have just lived through.
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