When I awoke it was in a warm sunny room, relaxed, no pain in my body that I could sense and I realised I had slept properly for the first time in over a month. The bed was warm thanks to the extra blanket I threw on the duvet last night. The sun had warmed the bedroom itself, it was quite high in the sky so I knew it was late morning. I had shut the curtains the night before, not something I usually do, I like to see the moon and the stars, I love waking to the sight of the Castle or a glimpse of the sea...but shut curtains keep the heat in and last night had been bitterly cold.
I lay thinking idle thoughts and drifted asleep for a little while, that sort of comfy snooze zone where you can hear whats going on outside and couldn't give a flying 'f' what it was...as snoozes go it was particularly nice and enjoyable. I got out of bed with a grace often denied me. No pain means sitting up, not rolling onto my stomach and scrawling off the bed in some abseiling style manoeuvre over the edge of what can become a cliff like obstacle.
I clambered to my feet and stretched...the first time I consciously have stretched my arms and back for ever such a long time; and it felt WONDERFUL, Oh my Gods I had forgotten what a pleasure a good stretch of the body can feel like. I immediately scrambled back onto my bed and did a full 'arm,arm,leg,leg to the corners of the bed stretch and actually arched my back...glorious. What a joy...I curled round into the final wonder a full cat curling ball of muscles, sinews and assorted bits of anatomy gently lengthening around my skeleton and let myself 'flop' into total relaxation...and wandered off into a mini snooze as I wallowed in the sensations.
If you have ever had backache of any description or been held restricted by a plaster cast or a back corset you will know EXACTLY what a joy a good stretch is...that it was available to me today was lovely..it is what inspired this blog to begin with...because I was so AWARE of this action, my skin was alive, my mind revelled and my body appreciated an action long denied it...which had me thinking...just WHAT had I done differently last night to give my body a proper sleep. a genuine relaxing, an honest rest...that ultimately allowed me my indulgent little stretch...hmmmmmmmmm.
I need to know so I can court another damned good stretch...its so nice.
Well I had been terribly disappointed that it snowed yet again, I so want to visit my little Mum who is 120 miles away and the weather keeps defying me. As a result I had stayed awake longer than usual, it was 3am before I went to bed but hey ! at my age I can go to bed whenever I damned well please so it wasn't that.
I woke mid morning...not that either I can sleep all day, or get up at 5am that's my prerogative so there was no undue pressure from society for me to deal with, quite simply I work for myself at my own pace...so it wasn't that.
I had put the little heater on to boost the rooms temperature, but that is something I will never deny myself ever again. Go read Adventures in the Night (October 2009 for why). so it wasn't an unusual temperature.
I had put a video on to drift off too but the video machine is ancient and whines a bit so I had turned it off in the end, and simply lay there with my favourite 'pretend dream..winning the lottery and spending money freely and without hindrance to my ambitions' nothing unusual there. Its a pleasant enough sleep pattern inducing process but one I am familiar with and holding one lottery ticket entitles you to a dream or two until the draw itself.
It was quiet and dark with ambient light from the street below casting a pleasant glow through the curtains....nothing unusual in that.
I had put a simple little blanket between my duvet and the top cover for a little extra warmth...maybe it was that extra warmth as I slept ?
I had given up worrying about travel...maybe it was that ? I hate driving long distance, there are so many variables to the dangers encountered from stupid co users of the roads to the unexpected sudden appearance of drops, cliffs. mountain slides. roaming sheep ad-infinitum...maybe it was that? (2009, Living up a Mountain blog)
I had said goodnight to the Bf with a pleasant little hug n stuff , we have space here and room to be ourselves' his sleep pattern is very different from mine so our own space is vital...it might be part of it, knowing someone I trusted was in the building, feeling safe and secure ? Knowing that little Sparky would bark like a demonised hell hound if someone so much as knocked at the door.?
So many variables and then it struck me, exactly what it was.....a small but telling little thought entered my mind and I have the answer.
During the day I had exchanged e mails with my Landlord. Not known as the most popular person in the village I have found the man to be honest, genuinely an ethical landlord and above all approachable in all matters of business with a sound mind and good intentions. He never over steps the mark, is not overly familiar and has a good and happy home life of his own. He is also undergoing a lot of stuff in his own world and as a result is familiar with the medical procedures I am going through currently and addresses me with that in mind, courteous and sympathetic.
He told me some information, it made sense, it made me realise how much I still held onto my sense of injustice from my previous landlords actions and current behaviour (holding onto my deposit money and so on). His suggestion gave me a possible way of doing the right thing, getting justice and honour restored and I realised I had finally let go of the past.
I hate injustice, I loathe and despise people who use their own position in life to impose on others 'just because they can' When someone exercises power over me from a stand point of unfair and cruel behaviour or become despotic and manipulative I rebel.
Since the end of November my sense of injustice and my personal bewilderment and hurt had manifested itself in tight tension. My back is my monitor, the muscles tighten, the sinews become taught like wire, my neck stiffens and as a result the rest of me suffers from its unco-operative status. I had, for over five weeks been walking round with a time bomb of tension held in my poor old back. As I have Degenerative Spinal Disease it certainly doesn't help matters....and all that tension was gone.
KNOWING I can obtain justice, is the reason. Not that I will or won't but being freed from the oppressiveness of 'nothing you can do', being released from the sense that I would be dominated by this mans choices and behaviours. Being made aware that I can, if I wish, do something to obtain justice...now THAT was in place I was free.
I was no longer under the restrictive and cruel sense of being boxed in, dominated and suppressed by a man who has more money than I, more position in life than I, more arsenal than I ...suddenly gone and in its place came...yes you can, if you want to, free to act.......and the past has stopped ruling me.
Of course anyone with any understanding of Psycho analytical processes will realise that my past has been a series of challenges where domination, violence, and all its attendant little nastiness's has been part of my life...what I DIDN'T realise is how it can manifest itself so much later in life and affect my health and my sense of self so unduly...another battle will ensue for my mind to let this go for ever...but that is ahead of me. What is present now is FREEDOM and it is wonderful.
I am looking forwards to another Damned Good Stretch tomorrow...I will have one, I know I will. I am no longer being restricted, held down, dominated, suppressed or anything else...I am FREE to act if I wish to. That is all it needed, my freedom of will to be genuinely free.
I have no idea what I will do, I have no intentions of looking at it until I have dealt with more pressing issues, the results of my MRI , the Tax Forms for the 31st Jan, The council tax and the bills to be paid...but I am FREE to deal with those issues and I am FREE to decide whether or not to take the old landlord to court for a number of illegal aspects as much as I am FREE to ignore it all and just let it go, if he needs my 500 quid so badly then I may just let him have it, after all he is a poor millionaire...but then FREEDOM oh my...that is what all this was about.
I shall court my Damned Good Stretch again and gain, it is pleasant, it is a small and free enjoyment in being alive, in appreciating my own body and what it does for me .
So when you go to bed, if you don't wake up feeling warm and relaxed and joyful; to the days beginning....take a look back.
Where is it stopped, who or what is restricting you...and deal with it, let it go, be free and you too can enjoy that singularly wonderful gift of your body...a damned good stretch...what a way to start the day....followed by a good coffee and a nice breakfast.. Happy New Year.
