I remember a line from Terry Pratchett's book Wyrd Sisters where Granny Weatherwax states that if SHE had been the bad one...she would have been very good at it.......and her frustration at having been born the 'good' one. I know JUST how she feels.
We all have that darker self, I view mine as particularly dark because of course there is a side of my capabilities that lends itself to being used specifically to enhance, cause or create hurt in someones life...including my own.
I am not only a practising Shaman-Ka I have an obligation to those who learn from me, who observe my world. to live by what I say. In other words to Walk my Talk.
So spending a lifetime teaching those who seek, that it is good to do one thing and bad to do another means quite literally I have to be seen to be that person.
This week I fought a battle. In relation to the real physical wars in this world, the tragedies of Haiti and so many other dreadful happenings. The acts of depravity and cruelty perpetrated daily by the human race...my battle seems small. Almost insignificant, except it is my own soul I battled for and no one else has mastery of it except me and that was the fight on my hands, a nice clean bright shiny soul...or a blackened wizened thing not worth having.
All because if I was going to be bad...I'd be damned good at it.
To pray is to single mindedly concentrate the whole of your being, mind, body and spirit to the cause of speaking with your Deity. To pray for someone is exactly the same thing plus the request you make on behalf of the person prayed for. My prayers have ALWAYS been answered. Without exception I can honestly say every prayer, every wish I have made, has genuinely happened. This has been a source of great joy and wonderment in my life.
The power to pray is granted to all sentient beings, no matter how it is thought of, worded or created, be it through kneeling and bowing the head in supplication, or dancing like , well Whirling like a Dervish...it is the empowered self, calling on the Universal Consciousness to fulfill the desire of the self.
That it is answered, is the true miracle for prayer is usually enacted when all else has failed and a miracle is needed, wanted,desired. Something outside of the expected, an act or a happening that would not, in the normal way of life, be possible.
That my prayers have always been answered is also a source of fear for me.Why fear? to be absolutely frank with you because I know it works. Therefore if prayer works, the 'other' kind of prayer commonly called a 'curse' also works.Many people would be horrified if they had understood that calling down damnation on someone for a misdemeanor, asking their God to strike someone down, cause the downfall of someone (no matter how justified) is not a prayer but in fact a curse. It is praying for ill will to be manifested into someones life. i know in all of my being that because my prayers have never been ignored that neither would a call to curse be ignored and there lies power of a different kind.
I found myself on several occasions last year placed in a position of being challenged and acts which caused me hurt or harm in some way where done by people who had no justification, no right, no lawful reason. My reactions have caused me a lot of mental anguish.
I so WANTED to curse. Part of me wanted to call down such fury, to rend and tear, to squeeze the black hearts of those responsible. To rip apart their worlds as they had ripped mine. I wanted vengeance. I struggled with it. I tore into my own psyche and demanded submission. I would not curse. And sill that negative part of me wanted, almost needed to be let loose.
Reaction is not good, response is better. Yet my temper sprang from me full charged and raging and each comment, each nasty little act sliced into my heart and it HURT.
I am (believe it or not) usually placid. That most of my working life is spent calming people down, most of my family life is the same...creating peace, that most of my friends see me when things are cool and we can chill together..belies the point of my dark side. When its out...it is damned hard to control and I use any mechanism available to try and release some of the pent up anger, trying to find an inner calm that I have lost sight of.
I look for reasons to feel blessed. Even within the original hurts, I will try to find a blessing, something to be grateful for and in the main it works. When even that fails then there is something else behind it. Something is going on somewhere else, something darker or nastier and that is when I do pray.
I pray for personal strength, insight and understanding, I pray for inner peace and calm to enable me to look at the matter without emotional involvement. I look for me...because I've lost sight of who I am, what I am about, how I am supposed to be as I walk my path, take my journey through life.
That is why this blog is being written now. I lost sight of me.
Basic reason ?
The ex landlord has sent me an invoice. Not only is he keeping my 500 pounds deposit, he has added 105 pounds to it and the list of ills I am supposed to have caused him to remedy is lengthy...and unjust, a lie, a cheat and above all an insult to my intelligence and I am infuriated.
My reaction was equal to his stupidity, that is:- out of proportion and wholly vindictive.
It hurt, to be the focal point of this mans creative accountancy, having already been ill used by this person, so obviously not a gentleman. To pour scorn upon my head because he can, he is a self made millionaire and he does as he pleases secure in the knowledge he is safe. After all, I am no one, I couldn't afford to take the man to court. It is beyond my means...therefore he will do as he wills.
Oh how my anger seethed and boiled.
I have tried to understand.
I do know so many personal details of this persons life and could not equate them with the man I knew and the man he has become. It hurt and it angered in equal proportion.
I was becoming more and more afraid my temper would escape and I would become guilty of doing something really stupid and actually got as far as thinking what way I could word things when I realised i had begun the slippy slope and fled the rooms of my mind. I stayed awake for hours. Afraid to sleep in case I did something in a sleeping state, such was my turmoil.
A friend wrote me, ' I'd suggest you stick pins in a doll of him...except with you it would work' and she is probably right...so no dolls ! I couldn't even allow myself to think his name.
I probably read as if I am a right drama queen...well I am. Things go deep in me, I feel deeply and I think deeply. It has its advantages and its drawbacks. Having a dark and fully charged vindictive side to my nature is one of the drawbacks. My life is literally an open book...why ? because for years I have been judged by what people 'think' I am thinking...so when Blogs became part of our lives I embraced it fully, at last I had a platform to rant, rave or muse to my hearts content...but in every line...it is me. Not someone else's version of me, not someone else's opinion of me...not somone else's thoughts or words i am 'supposed' to have said. These words here in this blog are 'my' me! Brave or stupid ? haven't a clue and I don't really care.
What i do care about is being judged by those who have no right to judge and being unjustly used and abused for I am no mans slave and no mans whipping block...and that is how these challenges have made me feel. I reacted badly. I wanted to curse and I wanted to hate and I wanted to cry in equal proportions.
So what have I done?
Well I didn't curse. I didn't pray either, not for a whole 24 hours, instead I worked hard, then watched a few films to distract my 'head', then discussed and then decided what to do.
I sent love.
Obviously the man doesn't know what love is. Doesn't understand the true nature of love is to heal all hurts, overcome all obstacles, create bridges where there is a divide and to catch the fallen.
With love there is always other options because love does not take prisoners, does not dominate or curtail. With love there is a freedom of the heart to be true to the self. To be honest, loyal, trusting and caring..all these gifts come from a gift of love freely given.
Of course he may refuse that love. When next he feels a tinge of guilt for his treatment of me, he may wish in his heart to apologise and 'talk' himself out of doing so. Thus keeping to his original sin against me. I cannot help him in that decision.
I have sent him love because no matter how many millions of pounds he is worth.
No matter how many houses he now owns or amusement arcades and cafes...
in the end he was so poor of spirit, so mean of good will, so broke of care that he had to enrich himself by actions which impacted on me.
Am I poor of spirit ? Oh by all the Gods I am not, I am richer by far for having found the strength to send him love. For I have beaten the dark side of me...this time.
Am I mean of goodwill ? I do not think so, for I have found enough goodwill in me to genuinely wish he finds his spiritual self and the rewards it brings.
Am I broke of care ? I think not, I cared enough about my souls well being and his safety on all levels to fight this small war between the light and the dark within me.
I will now be able to pray for him properly. Oh I will have to pray. For I have thought ill things in my meanderings, I have spent a lot of waking hours thinking painful thoughts about this man and his actions. I truly believed I had sorted it out. Perhaps I had, it is the receipt of this invoice this week which caused my reactions to flare up again.So I shall pray. I shall ask simply for love to be sent, love and justice.
I can't be fairer than that, and i hope in all my heart and soul that I don't have to fight that battle again.
